I am no fashion genius. I’m not on the cutting edge of stylistic reality. Never would I want to be. It’s too expensive and I’d rather spend the money on important stuff like Skittles and wine. But don’t get me wrong. I like to look nice. And there are days when I know I’m the hottest guy around. Like those days when I’m matching my argyle socks to my sweater or when I’m layering polo shirts. My style secret is simple, but achievable by many. My secret to looking nice is this: I wear clothes that fit. We all have seen those people whose clothes are either too small or too big. Some are aware, while others are completely clueless. There is a reason why clothes makers, put sizes on labels: to make people accountable and responsible for their choices. I have compiled a list of helpful FACTS in order to raise awareness (because in American, that’s what we love to do) and to assist other humans in dressing themselves better.
6 Signs that You Suck at Dressing Yourself
1. Your pants don’t fit. This is an oft-too-common mistake among (tall) males and adolescents who grow too fast. We stilt-walkers of the world are burdened with being lanky, which narrows the window for inseams. Most fashion retailers sell up to size 34, in stores, and maybe you can find size 36 online. Often, it’s difficult to find anything greater than 36, unless you’re moneyed or make your own pants.
2. People joke that you’re dressed for an appearance by your 1980s pop culture icon. Yes, you dress like a “super freak”. But it’s not a good thing because the 80s are long past and Rick James is too. Also, your nappy, bird’s nest afro in 2011 does not bode well for garnering the respect of people outside of the formerly-crack addicted demographic. (If you don’t know who Mr. James is, Google him.) “Winger-hair” plus bearing your post-baby, muffin top, mid-drift in the time of Gaga, emo, and hipsters shows you’re out of touch. Try reading Cosmo in the checkout line, instead of condemning the “trashy” ladies on the covers.
3. Clothes retailers refuse to mail their catalogs to your house. When J C Penney, Sears, Old Navy or any other site won’t mail you a FREE catalog, then that means you’re a lost cause. Better yet, when your Internet browser blocks access to their sites with an error message reading “WARNING: Content may not be suitable for certain audiences” you know it’s time for a change.
4. No one offers unsolicited comments on your attire. Silence is golden. Less is more. What is unspoken is truth. So, when you show up to work, feeling great in your hot threads and dubs, but co-workers are quiet: not a good thing. People always find reasons to lie and they’ll do it to your face, unless your clothes are hideous. When it comes to dressing yourself, leaving others speechless is not a good sign. Or it could mean they just don’t like you.
5. Your children ask you to change before leaving the house. Children are clueless about many things (i.e. Santa’s true identity, the power of broccoli, etc), but they are also quite observant creatures with impulsive tongues. When your child, in the middle of watching a cartoon, asks you to change your clothes before going grocery shopping, it’s probably time for a period of introspection. Remember: children are clueless about many things (i.e. politics, the value of money, not being annoying) EXCEPT when it comes to other children making fun of them. So try not to make them a target for their peers by dressing like a psychology experiment. Do you want your child to be bullied? I’m just saying…
6. Homeless people offer you their money (and booze). Casual attire is liberating, especially when you have to wear boring fancy pants and tight-necked shirts. However, problems arise when you’re too casual. At times, you will find, that “tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free” may offer you their change so you can obtain new dubs. Take their money. Do it. You need it.
7. You’re friends with mostly Christians, lesbians, and married men. It’s a scientific fact that church-goers, lesbians and “owned” men are by far the worst dressers. Don’t shoot the messenger, it’s science. And in the unlikely (possibly closeted) event that you’re in all three categories, then step off the cliff now because you’re definitely a lost cause. It’s also scientific that persons in these demographics are most likely to 1) wear socks with Birkenstocks and drive Subarus, 2) tuck their sweat pants into their socks when going shopping, 3) read political magazines at work (guilty!), or 4) spend more money on clothing for their children.
